1. You have no imagination
You probably though the ending was lame or that there was no real storyline. You thought this movie was only about a monster, and you were so annoyed when Rob, Lily, Miranda and Hud were down in the subway station when they could have stayed above ground, continuing to look at the monster. You like information brought to you. You demand everything at once. You also consider unzipping your fly and taking out your four inch hardness to be extensive foreplay.
You are wrong.
2. You are not willing to try new things
You only enjoy the standard; tried and tested activities before. Your favorite movies are either:
a. Here’s a hapless boy with messy hair. Boy meets pretty girl, who is totally unaware of how pretty she is. Boy likes girl. Oops! There’s a problem. Boy and girl work it out at the last moment. Boy and girl live happily ever after. or,
b. Here’s a monster/ bad guy. Good guys/ military shoot the hell out of the monster/ bad guy until he dies. Victory is temporary as monster/ bad guy gets up before being shot down again, emphatically, this time for real (insert film’s tag line here). Some characters will die, but the main protagonists will live. Scathed, bruised, maybe a little bleeding, but maintaining a medium to high level of hotness.
You also like missionary position because you know for sure that you will come within six minutes of epileptic-like thrusting. When your partner suggests a new position, you feign a headache and masturbate quietly while fantasizing about missionary.
3. There is no mystery about you
You need everything to be out in the open – obvious and available. You were pissed off that there was no dissection of the monster; no charts, pictures, labs, tests. You wanted to get a full 360ยบ view of the monster and were entirely infuriated by the sectional glimpses that you got.
You also have no patience for sensual lingerie or silk ties. You fast forward through the tacky situational dialogue in porn movies and go straight to the close up of the hard core pounding.
4. You are obnoxious, self-involved and irritating
You will loudly voice your unhappiness during the movie, despite an entire cinema full of very involved viewers. You will sigh dramatically when the camera is just a little out of focus of what you want to see, and yell out “Bullshit! I cant believe I paid $10 for this” when Miranda dies. You try to cover up how scared you got when they were walking through the tunnels by trying to scare the people around you by yelling “boo!”, hoping their temporary reaction could vacate the fear from you. It didn’t. You screamed like a five year old. Despite the fact that your friends are enjoying the film, and roll their eyes at your outbursts, you will continue to try engage them in conversation… loudly.
You also don’t brush your teeth, believe the clitoris is a myth of “those feminists” and have only ever given oral to yourself.
5. You’re totally in love with yourself
The only reason you’re still reading this list is because its talking about you so much.
You, you, you.
You love you, don’t you? Douche.
